So many thoughts are floating around in my mind.....its a khichdi:).

Woke up late this morning, rushed through everything to get Dooby ready for school, was worried that she may miss school, so out of irritation, I called her a horrible child, obviously I didnt mean it, but she was staring at me for a minute....I am sure she didnt dwell on it, maybe she was thinking of something else altogether, but when I was left standing on the porch, waving bye to her, long after she had already gone, I felt really"horrible" myself :(. I promised myself that I wouldnt say such things again, ofcourse, until the next time I get irritated lol.So, knowing myself only too well, I thought I should write it down somewhere, so this memory will serve me well, for the next time(which may be even this afternoon, btw, kids do really bring out the worst in you, sometimes. Its also made me think of an article I read in a lovely magazine we subscribe to, Frozen thoughts, about how events are not really in your hand, but it is your reaction to these events that shape your life and matter the most.I really need to drill this point into my brain!It really wasnt her fault that we all woke up late, but my frustration over the lack of time was reflected on her. Now let me stop here, for I am sure, you people are going to decide that I am a horrible mom and Dooby is a lamb:), which is really not the case. See, I really seem to like the word, I seem to keep using it inadvertently!

The baby, or Chilli as D calls her(very apt name, btw, she is a teekhi mirchi, has a short temper, gets angry and happy, equally fast) has started crawling everywhere, much to my delight!I am one really proud Mom:). I am really enjoying her babyhood, she is a delight to watch. A myriad of emotions flit through her small face, as she gurgles, coos, laughs, screams(didnt I tell you about her temper lol) and cries, demanding that she be picked up:). Each pleasurable moment is laced with a bit of guilt, although, guilt that I didnt enjoy Dooby's babyhood so much, When I think back, I dont remember being so deliriously happy, I was going through a bad phase , a bad marriage;simply put, I was unhappy.One may say that a baby would have been a good excuse to distract yourself from whatever was making you unhappy, but I guess I didnt have the fortitude, far sight, joie de vivre or maturity, back then. I fervently wish I could I could turn time around and relish her babyhood just as much. Somehow, although its not true, I feel I am being unfair when I enjoy Chilli's babyhood.Silly, I know, but then, who said I was logical!So, I resolve to enjoy her present and future to the fullest,so much that I dont have any such regrets in the future:).There, thats written here as well, so this post should generally ensure that I am a good little(not so little) girl lol. On second thoughts, maybe I should ask my mom to co-write, then there will be a long list lol

Went out with mom to have lunch, saw an exhibition, girls' day out(okay, womens' days out). Blew up some money, generally had a good time. In the past,mom, me and sis, we were a threesome, always went everywhere together, no never thought of ourselves as a crowd, infact, me and the sis had even coined a term, we called ourselves the femme fatales!Moms always been more a friend than a mom (except when shes telling you to move your ass and get some work done,lol) Shes always been my sounding board, my first and best opponent in an argument, yes that too lol, my benchmark for everything, my checkpoint for anything that I dont know about;another matter that, that I will call her to find out and then argue like a knowledgeable on the same point lol.There, I am sure shes going to faint after reading all this, after, I hardly ever accept all these failings:)I am too busy arguing:).On another note, now you know my best "asset";I am sure I must have been a doggone lawyer last life.
Anyway, ,I am digressing, as usual. Then, I went abroad;soon, I fell headover heels in love, when you are just 20, it happens, trust me, then you become wise and wonder what hit married and left.I was so taken in with the concept of being married in those first few years,(till it all crumbled), that thats all I could think of.I mean, I did miss family, but it was kind of on the back burner, you have an eye on it, but you dont know when the milk will spill types.
4 years and a baby later, everything fell apart, got divorced and came back to stay with my family. Thank God for them, else, I probably would have begged to stay with the ex, family stood behind me like the proverbial backbone;they always have;despite the fact that I have always gone ahead and done what they cautioned me against, lol.

You would think I would firmly believe in "Once bitten, twice shy"....but no, heck no, I seem to favour the other one, i.e "Practice makes perfect" lol. This time, I seem to have got it right, atleast the family approves:), so I guess I shouldnt have gone wrong:). But, the point here, I am trying so hard to get to, is that only after I got married again and left did I start worrying about what mom would do without us.I began to bite my nails more vigorously after the sis went abroad lol, since till then I could depend on her:)(yes, meanie me).

So, since the past year, I have hoped and hoped that she would build her own life again, no that is not to say that I wont be there, I will always be there, but I always hoped that she would have a circle of her own friends, or atleast 1 or 2 friends and a social life of her own.Dont get me wrong, mom is not this shy, submissive housewife, shes been working since I was in KG, its just that over the years, she never built a life of her very own, it was always around us.

The past few weeks have seen her take an interest in attending cultural events;I am so happy, because I am sure, she will find like minded women out there. I am keeping my fingers crossed.And at all other times, theres always lil ole me and an exhibition, lol.

So, I hope I dont have to visit this post to remind me of my resolutions:) and if I play foul, you will know, so please remind of this old post, then.

Thats it, all the "kachra" is out of my system:), what better place than to dump it on you unsuspecting souls, lol.

Whew, its so loong, that even I dont have the patience to read and edit, hence if you find any articles, is or ts missing, please mentally add them yourself:), that is, ofcourse, if you get thru it without nodding off.

To make up for this heavy, serious post, theres a short, cheeky one, coming up:)after all I dont dwell too much, the sis will vouch.for that. She says that my best quality is equanimity:)(btw, had to look up the dictionary to understand it lol)


  1. like i told u the other day, 'not dwelling on something' is a very enviable quality, which you seem to have in abundance.. now only if some of it could rub of on me..

    dont worry too much abt shouting ur head off at the kids (i know it feels really terrible), but we all have our 'off' days..
    nice to read abt ur Chilli, she seems like such a cutie..

    when i read abt ur relationship with ur mom, it put a wide smile on my face and i was nodding away, coz thaz exactly the relationship i share with my mom- she has NEVER been mom, shez been my best friend thru and thru.most of the times im thinking what my parents will do, as both me and my sibling live away from home.. so i kinda could relate to that feeling too..
    this is breezy writing..din feel dull at all

  2. :0
    lets see if it can rub off "virtually" lol

    feels better to know I have company in yelling my head off:)
    we must meet, A, I think we will really hit it off, there seems to be a lot in common:), even the yelling part rotfl:)


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